After last year's commentary on RSA Conference Personas I thought this year's "Sundance for Ugly People" should adopt a more sporting theme - "March Madness for the Truly Uncoordinated".
What's more, Hot on the heels of the Olympics I think it's high time that the Modern Pentathlon got an update - I mean come on...shooting, horseback riding, fencing, swimming and cross country running are hardly great examples of modernity now are they?
Funnily enough, the Modern Pentathlon is one of the few events we Brits usually get a medal at. Mostly because they were great skills for dominating lesser developed countries - a sport Brits were real "world beaters" at (literally) when the Modern Pentathlon was truly modern - but kept up as a more benevolent attitude to world affairs took hold.
Anyway, since times have changed I propose an updated RSA Conference Modern Pentathlon to be performed on the expo floor
- Booth Bunny Boring - the basic aim of the game is to come up with the most banal and blatant chat up lines for the "hired help" at vendor booths. Examples include "Do you do many of these shows?" and "Wow, that super hero outfit really shows off your best assets". Points are awarded for banality, delivery style and exactly how far the victim's eyes roll up into the head
- Booth Bunny Belligerence - a game of skill which involves deliberately mistaking a vendor employee for booth "hired help" and eliciting a huffy response as a result. This game of tactics involves careful choosing of victim; a victim who is seldom mistaken for "hired help" will be flattered, and one who is routinely mis-identified will have grown to accept and indeed embrace this elevated status. Choosing the middle ground here is key to getting a truly snarky comeback - points are awarded solely on the basis of the voracity of reaction.
- Narcissistic Tweeting - slightly different rules here for vendors and everyone else. Vendors must Tweet enthusiastically about very minor conference announcements e.g. "Wow! Exciting News! <PRODUCT NAME> v7.3.2 out today!!! https://bit.ly/whogivesacrap". Points awarded on the basis of the delta between how much people within the confines of the 20x20 booth give a rats proverbial in contrast to the rest of the world. For everyone else, points awarded for the quality of the Re-Tweet including a cutting putdown that can still fit within 140 characters
- Booth Baiting - usually a less challenging sport as the expo drags on into day three, this game simply involves annoying vendor personnel until threats of violence ensue. In-depth knowledge of the vendor's weaknesses, plus their top competitor's strengths, plus a truly arrogant attitude are extremely useful traits for success in Booth Baiting. Again, points are awarded for grace under pressure and stregth of reaction.
- Booth Game Hogging - this endurance sport involves hogging the Wii Bowling, Rock Band or whatever other cheap trick the vendor is attempting to get semi-interested conference-goers to listen to their pitch and fill their lead database with badge-scans from anyone who will listen. Points are awarded for a combination of total time spent at a single booth playing the game, and quality of snarky comments aimed at any real prospects who eventually pry the controller out of your hands. Bonus points awarded for restraining orders taken out by vendor.